


A Fragile Line

by spideybabeparker



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes-centric, F/M, Marvel - Freeform, bucky barnes smut, bucky barnes x plus size character - Freeform, marvel x plus size character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 07:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20617397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spideybabeparker/pseuds/spideybabeparker
Summary: He saw himself as a monster who was haunted by his past, and he saw her as beacon of light in his own person hell he was living. Inspired by Beauty & the Beast.





	1. THE NAMELESS SAVOIR

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: mentions of drug withdrawals, attempted sexual assault, blood and violence. (This stories isn’t gonna be like this every chapter.) Smut to come in future chapters.

Bucky Barnes found himself to be monster. He was cursed with knowledge of remembering every single life he had taken while brain washed. He never chose the life he was given, it was just thrust upon him. He always tried his best to be a good man. He was a loving and caring person, but Hydra took that from him. He was left wiped multiple times to the point he wasn’t sure if he knew his own name. What he believed to be his name was a small fragment that floated around in his mind. He wasn’t even sure if it was actually his name. It had just sounded so familiar to him that he felt it had to be his name.

Lydia Henry was a kind-hearted person. Anyone who had ever known her always talking about how kind she was, and how she would always go out of her way to help the people she cared about. She had always thought people had the ability to be kind-hearted, even though deep down inside she knew not everyone had a pure heart she always tried to see the best in people.

Lydia’s life drastically changed one early morning as she was walking home work. The air had been cold and the pavement glistened as it was still wet from the rain that had happened a few hours prior.

She heard footsteps behind her and she had hoped that wasn’t being followed. Soon she realized she was when two men walked up to her and held a knife to her throat and one man’s hands started to roam her unwilling body as she closed her eyes praying for the nightmare to be over. He removed her coat off her unwilling body and held her against the brick wall while the other watched. Before he could remove anything else he was pulled off of her by a man. In the scuffle between her two attackers and the man rescuing her she was slammed against the cold damp brick wall hitting her head. Everything went dark and the last thing she saw was a man with dull blue eyes staring back at her.

The sound of footsteps was the first thing her brain was able to process. Her eyes slowly opened and roamed around the unfamiliar room. The room was dirty shade of beige it looked as if it desperately needed a fresh coat of paint. The windows were covered with newspaper as if they were trying to make it where people couldn’t see inside. Her hazel eyes traveled to the corner of the room where a man was standing with his back facing her. The corner wasn’t lit well but she could see a man in the shadows. He appeared to be the man that fought off her attackers, but she couldn’t be exactly sure. The events that had happened were foggy. 

A sharp pain was shooting through her head reminding her of the impact her body made against the brick wall. Closing her eyes, she tried to push away the pain. Opening her eyes, she looked back over into the corner where the man was standing in what looked to be the kitchen. She was couldn’t help but wonder how he got her into this small apartment. He looked strong and in shape but she wasn’t a small girl by any means, she was a full figure woman with curves in places she didn’t find flattering.

He must have heard her stir, because his icy blue eyes looked over to her where she laid on his bed on the other side of the room. Their eyes locked and she felt as if she stopped breathing for a moment. She had no clue who the man she was sharing a room with was.

He didn’t actually know anything about the women he had rescued other then she worked at a café in town. He had seen her a few times and had thought she was beautiful, he never had any intention of ever interacting with her, but when he heard a women’s screaming in the distance he had to see what was happening. He didn’t plan on taking her back to his safe house but she had hit her head really hard against that wall and he couldn’t leave her there and he sure as hell couldn’t take her to the hospital. He was still a very much wanted man by not only Hydra but also the man he had pulled from the river. He still couldn’t figure out who that man was and why he saved him. When he brought her back to his safe house he laid her on his bed and just watched her fearing that she might not even survive her hitting her head. He knocked the two attackers out and then picked her up and quickly took her to his safe house attempting to not be spotted by anyone. He had been trying his hardest to lay low and the last thing he needed was some to see him carrying a bloody unconscious woman at night.

Slowly she sat up on the squeaky mattress as her eyes were still locked on the man in the shadow’s blue ones. He couldn’t help but be relieved that she had survived being attacked and hitting her head against the wall.

She stretched her neck feeling the pain of her attack and her body being thrown against that brick wall. Her eyes narrowed on his as he took a step cautiously he was very aware that the girl that rescued him was most likely terrified of him like everyone else. Why wouldn’t she be afraid of a monster he thought himself to be.

Reaching her hand back she touched the back of her head where she had made contact with the brick wall and winced at the pain. Her fingers felt something wet and moved them away and her eyes went wide at the blood that now stained her fingers. Her hand started to shake as panic set in. Tears stared streaming down her pale cheeks, her eyes darted back to the man who now standing about ten feet away from her looking at her with a conflicted look.

“Who are you?” she said speaking for the first time. Her voice was shaky and weak.

“I don’t really know,” he said quietly. His brain was like a giant puzzle that had been scrambled so he didn’t even know who he was.

“You don’t know?” she was confused. How did this man not know who he was?

Closing his eyes shut tightly flashes of what he believed to be memories played in his brain. “They wiped me,” he said through gritted teeth.

She didn’t understand what he meant by they ‘wiped him’. Her eyes narrowed on him as he walked closer to her. He was still trying to keep his distance from her because he knew she as most likely afraid of him and he didn’t want to startle her even more. “What does that mean?” she asked softly.

“They took all my memories,” he sighed stopping about five meet from the bed she was sitting.

“What happened to me?” she asked changing the subject she knew she shouldn’t ask him anymore personal questions. He seemed distraught about the fact he didn’t know much about himself. Her own memory was foggy at the moment and, she didn’t exactly what happened after she was pushed against the wall. She also had no clue what happened to her attackers.

Her chest moved at a rapid pace as she was trying to remind herself to keep calm. She wasn’t sure who this man was or if he was going going to hurt her.

He walked closer to her attempting to figure out how badly she was injured. He could see the blood that stained her fingers. He wanted to get her a wash cloth and attempted to clean up her wounds.

Her hazel eyes traveled across his body. He wore a grey hoodie and a pair of dark jeans her eyes made contact with his hand that seemed to be made of metal.

“Is your hand made of metal?” she asked. Slowly he nodded his head. “Why did you save me?” she had never seen this man in her life and didn’t understand why he went out of his way to rescue her.

“If I didn’t they would of probably killed you”

She wasn’t sure what exactly what his motives were but she felt like she now owed this man.

Her hand that was clean of her own blood started slowly messing with her blood stained fingers almost as a nervous habit. Her eyes slowly looked up to see the man walking over to the kitchen that was near the what she assumed was the front door of the apartment. Her eyes traveled back down to her blood stained fingers. She couldn’t help but wonder how bad her injuries were and if she had been close to death. With how badly her head hurt she knew she had it the brick wall pretty hard.

She looked up when she heard foot steps walking toward her she looked up to see the man holding a wash cloth out with his flesh hand. Shaky hands reached out and grabbed the wash cloth he was holding. She used the cold cloth to clean her blood stained hand and reached behind her attempt to clean the back of her head. At the light touch of the cloth she winced at the pain.

“I’m suppose to work tonight,” she sighed knowing she couldn’t work with the pain she was in.

“You shouldn’t leave,” his words caught her off guard. Glancing up at him she wasn’t even sure what to say. “You’re not safe.”

“They will fire me if I don’t show up?”

“How long have you lived here?” he asked her a personal question for the first time. He didn’t actually know anything about girl he had rescued. He assumed by her accent that she was American. He didn’t know why she was also in Romania.

“Like three months.” She thought back to her messy break up she had had six months ago when she decided to move to a complete different country. She had grown up an army brat moving from place to place. She had settled down in New York with her parents but after her break up she decided she needed a change in pace. She didn’t exactly have a plan at the moment for her life. She had just started working in a that café to make some extra cash. She had plenty in her savings so she wasn’t desperate for the money.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he sighed sitting down on the worn-out brown couch that sat in front of the small kitchen area. She should have been scared by his statement. A normal person would of feared they were being held against their will and would feel most likely kidnapped, but there was something about this man that made her feel safe. It probably had something to do with the fact that he had saved her life. “You were hurt pretty badly,” he spoke again.

She could tell by the pain she felt throughout her body he was wrong.

“Are you going to hurt me?” she knew he would probably say no, no matter what but she felt like she could probably read his tone.

He shook his head slowly, “no I just want to keep you safe.” He seemed sincere he didn’t seem like someone who had any intention of hurting.

“Okay,” she whispered. “Is it possible I can shower?” she asked knowing that the wash cloth wouldn’t remove all the blood that had stained her body.

He nodded his head and point with his flesh hand to where the bathroom was.

Slowly she started moving her sore body off the bed. He stayed still on the couch watching her as she stood up. He could tell she was in quite a bit of pain from the attack. His eyes traveled across her curvy body. He clothing look quite dirty from her lying on the dirty concrete. He knew she was going to need clothing to change into. He slowly walked to other side of the room where he had a duffle bag. He pulled out a hoodie he had and a pair of dark sweat pants.

Looking on the floor next to where she was standing she saw that men had grabbed her purse from the scene of the crime. Looking up she watched as he walked towards the edge of the bed and he sat down the clothes he grabbed.

“You can change into these if you would like,” he said softly.

Looking down at the clothes and then glancing back at him she softly said, “I don’t think they’ll fit.” She was aware that being a bigger meant she couldn’t just wear normal clothes.

“They will,” he stated.

She didn’t feel like arguing him. Taking slow steps, she grabbed the clothes off the edge of the bed. Walking into the bathroom she immediately noticed it was still painted the same shade of beige as the rest of the apartment. Looking over at the shower she noticed it was a bath and shower combo. She walked over and turned the water on cranking the hot water knob up. She knew her sore muscles needed the warm water. 

Stripping her clothes off she looked into the mirror and saw the finger print bruises that were sprinkled across her arms. She wasn’t sure what would have happened if the man with the metal arm didn’t rescue her. She had an awful feeling that they were going to force their selves on her and possibly kill her.

Tears started sliding down her cheeks as she stared at her reflection in mirror. Her eyes looked down at her arm that was peppered with finger print shaped bruises. She swallowed hard walked towards the shower.

Stepping into the steady stream of water the warmth engulfed her. She tried to rinse her mind of the feeling of the man’s hand on her as the other one held a knife against her throat. She tried to think of the man who rescued her instead. She was attempting to wrap her mind around the fact that he someone had wiped his mind and that he wasn’t sure who he was. She realized he didn’t know her name and she didn’t know his either.

She ran her fingers through her dark hair and looked down as the water at her feet was a shade of red and the blood rinsed from her hair. She felt nauseous just watching the water circle the drain.

As soon as the water faded to a lighter shade of pink she shut the water off. She grabbed a towel that was hanging on a rack and worked on drying herself off. Looking into to the mirror she could still see that she didn’t look good, she still had the same dark circles. He pale skin seemed ghostly white. She wasn’t sure how much blood she lost when she hit her head, but she was sure she lost more than she should of.

Reaching over to the sink she grabbed her bra and underwear putting them back on. She noticed that her body was pretty sore from the attack, and she knew tomorrow she would probably be in even more pain. With a sigh she leaned over and grabbed the sweatpants the man had gave her and she put them on slowly. She zipped up the hoodie he had gave her. She zipped it up really high not wanting to show too much skin. Grabbing the towel and worked on drying her hair a little bit so it wasn’t dripping with water. She cringed in pain as the towel brushed the back of her head where she had bled out. Was wondered how long that was going to hurt. She also wondered if she needed stitches or anything.

Hanging the towel back on the rack she slowly walked out of the bathroom and found the man sitting on the couch again.

He stared at her with a concerned look. This man was a complete mystery and she wanted to know at least the name of the man who saved her. Walking over she sat down on the edge of the bed so she was sitting across from the man. She noticed he had taken his jacket off so he was wearing a navy Henley shirt that hug his strong muscles.

“Do you have a name? You saved my life and I don’t even know what to call you,” she asked speaking up.

He shrugged his shoulder, “I think so.”

She pushed her eyes brows confused.

“What do you think it is?” she asked.

“There was this man…” he hesitated. “He said he knew me and that my name is Bucky…” his voice sounded like he was in pain telling this story.

“Do you think that’s your name?” she asked.

He shrugged his shoulders, “it sounds familiar.”

She couldn’t help but feel for the man. He didn’t know anything about himself, he wasn’t even sure if he had a name.

“What should I call you?”

“Bucky,” he looked down at his feet.

“Thank you for saving me,” she whispered.

“What’s your name?” he asked looking back up at her.

“Lydia,” she said giving him a soft smile. “Do you have anything to doctor my head?” she asked knowing she might need medical treatment. She wasn’t even exactly sure how she survived the impact.

He nodded his head silently. She could tell that he wasn’t some who talked a lot, she thought that might have something to do with the fact that they had “wiped him.” She watched as he walked into the kitchen and gabbed a bag off the counter. He walked over and sat it down on the bed next to her. She took that as her cue and looked inside to see that it had like actual medical supplies. She couldn’t help but wonder how he got this. He literally had the stuff to stitch someone up if he needed to, he also had strong antiseptic meds. She knew her head needed to be cleaned out, and she couldn’t exactly see the injury.

“Can you help me?” she asked holding the bottle of antiseptic. He looked at her wide eyed as if he was trying to process what exactly she said to him. His foggy blue eyes roamed the room, as if he wasn’t sure what he should do. “I can’t see the injury, or I wouldn’t ask,” she pleaded. He stayed frozen staring at her as she stood up, she took a few steps towards him almost as if she was trying not to startle him. “Please?” she said looking up at him with sad eyes.

Slowly he nodded his head and reached with his flesh and for the bottle. Turning around in front of him she parted her hair in half to expose wound as much as she could. She closed her eyes expecting for this to hurt.

He stared at her for a long moment holding the antiseptic he was afraid of hurting her, and was unsure about touch the girl he had recused. He knew he had saved her and carried her back to his safe house, but this was different. He needed to be extra gentle with her, and he was sure how to be gentle, especially with his metal arm. His main goal was to never touch her with his metal arm. Placing the antiseptic in his metal hand, he reached over and grabbed a cloth from the bag. He dampened the clothe with the antiseptic and as gentle as he could physically be he ran it across her cut. Sharply she inhaled at the pain, she knew it was going to hurt, but she wasn’t ready for the burning feeling. She bit her bottom lip holding back a groan. Holding the cloth below the cut he poured some antiseptic directly onto the cut. He knew it was deep and really needed to cleaned out.

“It burns,” she groaned fighting back tears. She honestly didn’t want to cry but it hurt pretty badly. “Can you blow on it?” she asked knowing her request might cause him to freeze up again. “Please, it burns?” she pleaded.

He didn’t day anything he just lightly blew on the cut, he knew this wasn’t helping any, but he thought it might help her feel a little bit of comfort. Stepping away from her he grabbed some of the gauze that she left on the bed. As gently as he could possibly he lightly pressed the gauze to her cut.

A groaned passed her lips and he quickly stepped back again, he could do it anymore. She turned around to find him standing a few feet behind her with that lost wide eyed look again. “Thank you,” she said as she sat back down on the edge of the bed.

“Do you need sleep?” he asked awkwardly speaking for the first time in a while.

She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I mean probably.” She was sure but she suddenly felt extremely awkward around him. Maybe it was because he clearly felt uncomfortable touching her.

“You sleep on the bed,” he nodded towards the bed.

“Where will you sleep?” she asked knowing that this place with just a hole in the wall studio.

“The couch,” he said looking towards the brown worn out sofa.

“Okay,” she mumbled.

She worked on slowly moving back onto the bed. She laid on her side attempting to keep pressure of her injury. She watched as he laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling almost as if he was avoiding making eye contact with her. She was unsure of as to why he wanted her to stay if he seemed like he barely wanted to be around her. She let out a heavy sigh and closed her eyes knowing she probably needed sleep.

“Thank you for saving me,” she whispered not really sure if she wanted him to hear her. His blue eyes looked over at her still seeming slightly lost. He just silently nodded his head before closing his eyes.

It wasn’t long before sleep found her and the mystery man who was unsure of his own man.


	2. LOST YOUR MIND TRYIN TO GET BACK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: drug addiction, mentions assault, angst, anxiety and sadness (this is an emotional story)

As the morning light shined into the safe house through newspaper covered windows. The sound of pained whined caused her to look over at the couch where the man who barely knew his name was. He looked as if he was in serve pain. Slowly she dragged her sore body out of the bed and walked over to the couch. His body was shaking as he whined. She reached her hand out to wake him, but before touching him she hesitated unsure if he would freak out be woken up.

“Bucky,” she spoke softly as she restrained from touching him.

His body jerked and she was suddenly more worried about him.

“Bucky,” her tone was louder.

His blue eyes popped open and he stared at her looking completely terrified. His chest moved up and down rapidly has he breathing seemed erratic. He jumped up off the couch and took off for the bathroom. Her eyes were wide as she watched him disappear into the bathroom. Her heart started racing suddenly she feared something was wrong with the man who rescued her.

The sound of him vomiting caught her attention. She wasn’t sure what possessed her but she started walking towards the bathroom. She knew he would probably want to be alone, but she wanted to check on him anyway.

She found him with his head in the toilet his body was shaking and sweating. She didn’t bother even thinking about it she just dropped to the floor next to him and rested her hand on his back. At her touch he cringed a little, almost as if he was afraid of her touch. He looked over at her and his eyes were blood shoot and they seemed to be filled with fear. He pulled away from her and the toilet and leaned against the wall behind him. He pulled his legs into his chest that was moving at a rapid pace as he seemed to try to calm down.

She sat on her knees next to the toilet staring at him, concerned if he was okay. Her eyes were trained on his icy eyes, “are you okay?”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from her.

“Do you know what causes you to get sick?”

“They just to pump meds into me to calm me down…” he hesitated what he was about to tell her was very painful for him. “They used the med to calm me down before they would wipe me.”

She closed her eyes trying to take in the fact he was going through withdrawals, she had watched a cousin fight a pain med addiction. Him going through withdrawals while getting sobered looked very similar to what Bucky seemed to be going through.

“How did they give them to you?” she was attempting to figure out what he had been taking.

“They hooked me up to an IV.”

“How long have you been going through this?” she was curious.

“Two months,” he whispered looking down at the floor.

“Is this the worst they have been?” she knew she was being nosy but she needed to know. She wanted to help him even if she wasn’t sure how.

He shook his head and looked over at her, “no the first few days after I pulled the man from the water…” she didn’t know who the man was he pulled from the water but she wanted to find out. She knew that he most likely held the pieces to unlocking part of what was taken from Bucky. “That first week were the worst, I spent a lot of time curled up shaking in pain. When I finally was free from them, I was at my worst point,” his voice was shaky.

“You should leave the restroom,” he said looking up at the door.

It must have been too painful to talk about, and she respected that. Slowly she stood up and walked out of the bathroom. Walking into the kitchen area she wondered if she could find something to make for both of them to eat. On the counter next to the stove she found a notebook that was open. She knew it probably wasn’t her business but her eye was caught by a photo of Captain America.

The sound of someone clearing their throat behind her cause her to find Bucky standing on the edge of the kitchen area.

“I promise I didn’t open it?” she stepped away from the journal.

His icy blue eyes looked towards the counter then back up to her, “do you know him?” he asked.

“No but I know of him.”

She wondered what the significance of Captain America was to him.

“Oh,” he whispered.

“Why do you have that photo of Captain America?” she asked grabbing the journal and turning towards him. He reached out and grabbed the journal and stared at the photo of the Captain America.

Holding the journal, he looked down at the picture of the man and studied it, and glanced up Lydia who was staring at him intently.

“I pulled him from the river and he said knew me,” his eyes were fixed on the photo. “He’s the one who told me that my name is Bucky.”

Leaving against the counter lightly she paused, “do you think you know him?”

His eyes had a look of pain to them as he studied the photo of Captain America and nodded his head slowly, “I think.”

“Well if you want I can help you look up more about him,” she whispered.

He had a conflicted look on his face, and slowly shook his head.

“Well if you do just let me know,” she watched as he put the journal on the counter. “Are you hungry?” she asked.

He nodded his head.

“Can I look for something to cook?” she asked softly.

He nodded again.

“Okay,” she turned around and opened the fridge. She noticed he had a lot of fresh fruit and veggies. He assumed that he had gotten them from the farmers market that lined the city streets. That’s one thing she loved about the city you could by fresh produce just walking down the street.

Bucky stood in the very small kitchen and watch as she made them type of stir fry. As he watched her he couldn’t help but be intrigued by her. He didn’t actually know anything about her when he found her in that ally being attacked. All he knew as that she worked in a café he had been in a few times, and that he thought she was pretty.

Silently he just watched work, she hummed something softly as she stirred the veggies at were in the pan in front of her.

She found two plates in the pretty bare cupboards and served her and Bucky their foods. She noticed he didn’t have a table in his place and she awkwardly held both plates in hands. She looked at him and he walked over and took a plate from her gently. He then walked over and sat down on his worn-out brown couch. She took that as her cue and walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed she had slept on.

The ate in complete silence. They both a million questions that they couldn’t bring their selves to ask. As Bucky took his last bite he looked up at the girl and front of him and opened his mouth to speak but closed it quickly.

“Bucky why did you save me?” she asked breaking the silence that had grown to be so loud between them.

He shrugged his shoulders, “I heard you scream and I went in to just get them to leave you alone, but…” he paused and looked up to find her listening carefully to what he was saying. “you hit your head and passed out and I just couldn’t leave you there, and I thought you had a better chance of surviving if you were with me.”

“You could have taken me to a hospital,” she whispered knowing that her head injury was pretty back and she was lucky she didn’t die.

He felt a sense of guilt that he didn’t take her to the hospital, but he knew if he dropped her off there he would never be able to see her again, and for some reason he wasn’t okay with that.

“I know I’m sorry I didn’t,” he said softly looking away from her feeling ashamed.

She stared at him realizing that he felt suddenly ashamed he didn’t take her to get help, “hey I’m okay.”

“I didn’t know that though,” he whispered sounding broken.

Setting her plate on the bed next to her she walked over and sat down next to him on the couch. He stared at the floor knowing it wasn’t right for him to bring her here. She wanted to touch him, but she wasn’t sure how he would take it so she sat next to him and stared at him for a long moment.

“You saved my life,” slowly she reached out and rested her hand on his flesh arm and he looked over at her with a wide-eye gaze. “You did the right thing.”

Looking down at her hand that was touching him he looked up into her eyes, and for some reason he just felt safe with her. He hadn’t ever felt safe anyone before and it was an odd feeling to him.

“What made you move here?” he asked wanting to know more about her. All he knew about her was her name and that she moved her three months ago.

She let out a soft laugh, “I had a really messy break up and I just needed to get away.”

That was the first time he had heard her laugh, and he weakly smiled at the sound. She had a beautiful laugh and he hoped that he might hear her laugh more often.

“Oh,” he softly staring at her hand that was still resting on his arm.

“Why are you here?” she asked curious to know more about the man who saved her.

“I’m running from the people who wiped me,” she cringed at the mention of him being wiped. She couldn’t even wrap her mind around the fact that someone would intentionally take his memories away over and over again.

“How long have you been running from them?” she was curious about how long he has been in hiding.

Looking around the room, “two months.”

Looking over at the windows it became clear to her why he had the newspaper on windows. She looked back at him, and wanted to ask him more questions about himself, but she didn’t know how much he actually knew about himself.

“How old are you?” he asked changing the subject to her.

“Twenty-five,” she stated softly. “I’m assuming you don’t know how old you.”

He shook his head, “I don’t exactly know how to do this.”

She looked over at him and gently removed her hand from him. She was trying to figure out what exactly he meant. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been on my own a lot and I was just an asset to them,” he paused. “I didn’t interact with anyone unless they were giving me instructions.”

She didn’t understand what he meant by giving him instructions. Her brows pushed together and she tilted her head to the side wondering what exactly that meant.

“What kind of instructions?”

He shook his head as his eyes went wide with a look of horror, “we can’t talk about that.” He quickly got off the couch and moved away from her. He closed his eyes as visions of his passed mistakes haunted him. He sat down on the floor as he closed his eyes tightly trying to push the pain of away. His eyes watered as he was well of aware of all the lives that he had taken. He a shiver went down his spine as he murmured, “I’m a monster.”

Lydia’s eyes narrowed on him as she was suddenly worried about him. As the tears started streaming down his face she dropped to her knees in front of him. Cautiously she reached out for him to comfort him, but before she could touch him he pulled away.

“Don’t,” he whispered as he pulled his legs into his chest.

“Hey Bucky,” she wanted to calm him down, but she wasn’t even exactly sure what was happening to calm him down.

His eyes were wild as they stare at her, his breathing was growing rapid as his icy blue ones were locked onto hers.

“Take slow breaths,” she said calmly. She slowly inhaled and then exhaled trying to calm him down. He followed her instruction as his wild eyes stayed locked on hers. The tears continued to slide down his face as the memories still haunted him.

“You’re okay,” she slowly reached for him again, but this time he didn’t flinch. He was taking slow breath with her. Her hand shook as it gently made contact with his scruff cover cheek, “you’re safe.”

Closing his eyes, he steadied his breathing as her gentle hand still rested on his cheek. He felt safe with her touching him and it reminded him of home, even if he didn’t know what having a home meant at this point.

“Are you okay?” she asked softly as she placed her other hand on his cheek.

Slowly he nodded his head.

His blue eyes were locked on hers as she just stared at him with her kind eyes. He had had quite a few of those melt downs since his time on the run, but this was the quickest he had ever been able to calm down from having one of them. Normally theses led to him curling up in a ball and sobbing praying that visions would stop haunting him. He was a man haunted by demons. Even though the actions weren’t his choice, he was still haunted by them. He didn’t understand why someone so beautiful wasn’t terrified of the man he was. He was nothing more than a monster.

“I shouldn’t of brought you here,” he whispered.

She just shook her head as her eyes stayed locked on his, “I’m glad you did though. They were going to kill me if you didn’t save me.”

Closing his eyes, he pushed back the tears that kept wanting to fall.

She stayed sitting on her knees with her hands holding his face. Slowly she moved her thumb to brush away a tear that had stained his cheek.

She could have stayed like that for hours just staring at him. Bucky was a mystery to her and she wanted to help him find out more about himself. She also wanted to help him realize he wasn’t the monster that he thought he was.

Slowly he pulled away from her touch and reached up to push tears off of his cheeks. His breathing was finally back to normal and he stared that the girl who didn’t even seemed fazed by what she had even just witnessed.

“Does that happen often?” she whispered.

He slowly nodded his head, “they use to happen a couple times a week, but I haven’t had one in a little while.”

“Okay, was I able to help calm you down?” she asked wondering if she was any help to him.

He nodded his head.

“I’m glad I could help.”

He sat still on the floor staring at her with sad eyes he seemed so lost. She sat on her knees across from him. He looked like he just needed someone to hold him, but she knew he wouldn’t allow her to get that close.

“Did you want me to help you look up more about Captain America? Maybe learning more about him will help you figure out more about yourself?” she wanted to help him as much as possible.

He slowly nodded his head, he knew he needed to unlock his past and Lydia would be able to help him. He thought maybe if he knew who he was before he was wiped he might be able to rid of himself of his demons.


	3. CAN’T DECIDE IF IT’S A CHOICE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mentions of drug withdrawals, mentions assault, angst, anxiety and sadness (this is an emotional story)

She had been with Bucky for a week staying at his place. In the last week Bucky had woken up only a couple of times throwing up, and had only had one melt down in the middle of the day. During this one Lydia once again sat on her knees in front of him holding his face helping him breathe through it. This melt down wasn’t nearly as long as the first one she had witnessed. This time her touch calmed him down quicker. She seemed to have a calming effect on him in general.

At night when they would fall asleep Bucky would be on the couch, and Lydia on the small bed. At night she would lay on her side and watch Bucky sleep, worried about him waking up feeling sick to his stomach. All she wanted to do was take care of the man who recused her. He might have saved her life that night, but he was the one who ultimately needed to be saved. She wanted to do anything in her power to save him.

Earlier in the day Bucky had offer to go to Lydia’s apartment in town to get her phone charger and some clothes for her, and she took him up on the offer. She needed some of her own clothes and she needed to be able to actually charge her phone.

Sitting on the small bed that was under the window. She looked through the duffle bed at the clothes he picked out for her. As she pulled out clean underwear and a few bra’s she suddenly felt awkward at the thought at Bucky went through her underwear drawer. Slowly she folded her clothes and put them back in the duffle bag. She glanced up and saw Bucky sitting on the worn-out brown couch across from the bed.

“Thank you for getting me this,” she smiled. “I should probably charge my phone and call my parents and let them know I’m alive,” she held up her phone cord.

He nodded his head and silently walked off to the small bathroom. She assumed he was going to take a shower while she talked to her family.

The phone call to her parents was short. They didn’t question why they hadn’t heard from her in a week. Since she moved away, they weren’t able to talk that often because everyone had been so busy. They had asked if everything was okay and she told them yes. She didn’t tell them anything about being attacked or staying with Bucky. She didn’t want them asking her a million questions. She had just let them know that she had been super busy with work and getting to know the city more that she hadn’t actually been able to call and check in.

As she hung up the phone she looked up and found Bucky walking out of the bathroom with damp hair. She gave him a soft smile and he looked away and walked over and sat down on the couch.

“Are you hungry?” he asked softly.

She nodded her head, “yeah.”

He stood up and walked into the small kitchen area. She took that as her cue and followed him. He looked in the fridge to find something for them. She stood by the stove and watched him look.

“I can go into town and get some produce if you want,” he asked shutting the fridge knowing they didn’t have much to eat. Since Lydia had been staying with him, he had barely left the house, choosing to stay with her. He had only really left to get her stuff from her apartment.

“Okay,” she slowly nodded. She wanted to ask him to go with him, but for some reason she didn’t. She knew she should probably shower, because Bucky need to clean her wound today.

“I’ll be back,” he said almost as if he was asking for her approval.

“Okay I’ll shower.” She was looking forward to being able to shower and put on fresh clothes that were actually her own.

Bucky walked over to his duffle bag and pulled out his glove and put that on his metal hand, and then grabbed his jacket, and lastly put on a baseball cap. He walked over to the front door and looked over at Lydia who was walking towards the bathroom and gave her a small smile before he headed out of the apartment.

As the front door shut, she walked off to the bathroom so she could shower. She stripped down and stepped into the warm water. For some odd reason she felt a sense of emptiness knowing she was in the apartment alone. She had noticed in the last few days that she felt like she had a crush on Bucky and she wasn’t sure if that was okay. Sure, he had rescued her, but she hadn’t left the apartment since he saved her. She hadn’t seen anyone but him in over a week.

As she was washing her hair she started to question if her feeling were real. What if she had Stockholm Syndrome? She hadn’t left the apartment once and only spent her time with him. She started to question if he would actually let her leave. She hadn’t asked to leave since that first night when he told her it wasn’t safe for her to leave. She suddenly questioned her feelings.

She rinsed her hair and got out shower. She worked on drying herself off and getting dressed in clean clothes. As she pulled a light pink sweater on as she heard the front door open and shut. She walked out into the apartment and found Bucky back in the kitchen.

She played with the sleeves of her sweater as she walked over to Bucky who was cutting up fruit. He looked up at her and gave her a soft smile.

She needed to ask him if she was able to leave, even if she didn’t want to. She needed to know if she was being held captive. If he was her capture her feelings weren’t real, and she needed to know if they were real.

“Bucky?” she softly said almost afraid of his response.

He looked up at her silently.

“Am I able to leave if I want?”

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He wanted to tell her no and beg her not to leave him, but he knew he couldn’t keep her forever. He wasn’t her burden and he couldn’t ask her to put up with him, when sometimes he could barely function and was distance. Some of the days she was with him he didn’t even do much talking he would just quietly sit around. “You can leave if you want.”

She felt a sense of relief wash over her, “I don’t want to leave.”

He nodded his head relieved that she wasn’t going to be leaving him. She was the only person who had ever made him feel like he was actually a human and he wasn’t ready to let go of her.

“Can you possibly help me clean my wound?” she asked as she walked towards the medical bag that was on the floor next to the bed she slept on.

He silently nodded his head.

Doctoring her wound still made him extremely nervous. He was still terrified of hurting her. Her wound had healed pretty well, they tried to doctor it twice a day so it didn’t get infected. She handed him the bottle of antiseptic and a clean cloth. She reached up to part her damp hair. For some reason she felt butterflies as he gently cleaned her wound. She was so confused on why her feeling for him were growing to be so strong.

“There you go,” he whispered stepping away from him.

He walked over and sat back down on the couch.

–

The room was silent as they both slept calmly, the only sound that could be heard was the wind moving a small tree branch against the window.

The sound of piercing scream woke Lydia quickly from her sleep. Her eyes flew open as she looked over at Bucky who in the fetal position crying with his eyes still closed. Jumping out of bed quickly she wasted no time rushing over to the small couch and sat down on her knees in front of it. She rubbed his arm trying to wake up from the nightmare that seemed to be haunting him.

“Bucky please wake up,” she said softly.

He blue eyes shot open, his pupils were completely blown and he stared at her like he had no clue who she actually was.

“Hey it’s me Lydia. It was just a bad nightmare,” she reached over and gently rested her hand on his scruff covered cheek in the same manner she did to calm him down during his break down. At the moment this seemed so much worse then his break downs he had during the day.

He couldn’t even say anything he just started crying. Without even thinking she said, “come lay down with me.”

He went to protest, but couldn’t when she laced her fingers with his and gently pulled on his metal arm. She moved them towards the bed she had been sleeping on, she laid down and signaled for him to join her. Silently he crawled into bed next to her and she moved so she was laying right in front of him and wrapped her arms around him. His face rest in the crook of her neck as he continued to cry, he didn’t want to cry, but his past continued to haunt him in the form of nightmares. She hugged him tightly and rubbed his back as he cried against her skin.

His body shook lightly against hers as sobs broke through his chest.

“You’re safe,” she whispered over and over again.

She wasn’t sure how long they laid there tangled against each other, but he had stopped crying but he still seemed shaken. His breathing was still uneasy as she continued to rub his back. Her lips gently moved down and pressed gentle kiss to the top of his head.

He didn’t understand how someone so sweet and pure could seem to care so much for the monster that he was. He wanted to tell her she should be afraid of him, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He just hugged her plump body closer. Suddenly he couldn’t seem to be close enough to her. He had tried his hardest to stay away from her to keep her safe, but right now he couldn’t get close enough.

“You’re alright,” she whispered with her lips resting at the top of his head.

He closed his eyes tightly as he took deep breaths.

“I’m right here,” her voice had a calming effect on him like nothing ever had. “It was just a nightmare,” she whispered.

It wasn’t just a nightmare to him, he was still haunted by his past action. He was permanently stained with blood of his victims. No matter how much time passed he knew he was going to be somewhat haunted. He didn’t think he would ever be able to live without the nightmares of his past.

He pulled away slowly from her and looked into her bright eyes that seemed to be a mixture of fear and empathy. He didn’t know what to do or say, he hadn’t ever been this close with a woman before. He leaned forward and gently pressed his nose to hers and held his eyes closed tightly.

Her heart was racing as his nose rested against hers. They had gone from barely ever touching to suddenly they were lying in bed together while she held on to him. She gently pulled way and moved her lips up and placed a gentle kiss on his tear stained cheek.

He couldn’t ever remember the feeling of having someone’s lips against his skin, and if he didn’t remember it wouldn’t have ever been as innocent as the feeling of her lips gently kissing away the tears that were staining his cheeks. She placed another kiss on his cheek as her hazel eyes looked onto his lost blue ones as he stared into her soul. She wished she could read his mind to figure out what going on in his head.

“I’m not going to leave you,” she whispered as her lips ghosted against his cheek again.

He nodded his head. He knew he was selfish that he couldn’t keep her here forever taking care of him while he was trying his hardest not to fall apart. She deserved a real life in the outside world. She didn’t deserve to live in a hole in the wall trying to put back the pieces of a broke monster. He opened his mouth again to speak, but once again he was silent. He couldn’t find any words to say to her. He leaned forwards and once again held his face in the crook of her neck.

She wasn’t even sure if she was actually able to sleep the rest of the night. She held Bucky through the night, when his breathing finally evened out as he calmed down, he fell asleep holding onto her tightly. He fell asleep with his against her chest.

She wasn’t able to truly sleep, she was afraid she was going to wake up once again to Bucky’s terrified scream.

The sun was rising as Bucky stirred gently in her arms, he pulled away from her and pushed the sleep from his eyes. He looked at her trying to read her face. She gives him a soft smile pushed away his sudden fear that she didn’t want to be in bed with him.

She leaned forward and softly pressed her lips to his forehead. “Good morning,” she whispered.

He didn’t say anything he just quickly got out of the bed and rushed off to the bathroom.

She closed her eyes tightly wondering if she pushed the line by kissing his forehead. Last night her kisses were almost to calm him down and let him know that she wasn’t going anywhere. While the kiss this morning was a gentle one to almost remind him, he was still safe with her, but he must of not seen it that way.

He stood in front of the bathroom mirror staring at his reflection. He splashed water on his face to clean away the tears that had stained his cheeks. He felt something for Lydia that he shouldn’t be allowed to feel. He had feelings for her, and he couldn’t. He was a monster who didn’t deserve to be loved. She wasn’t so beautiful inside and out and she deserved so much more then him.

Walking out of the bathroom he found Lydia right where he left her sitting on the bed. She looked suddenly sad. Her hazel eyes locked onto him as stopped at the edge of the bed.

“Are you afraid of me?” he said speaking for the first time since before his nightmare that shook him to the core.

She quickly shook her head, she had no clue on why he was wondering if she was afraid of him, “of course I’m not afraid of you.”

She moved over and sat on the edge of the bed by where he was standing. She reached for his hand and gently tugged on it so he would sit down next to her.

He looked over at her with sad eyes, “I’m a monster, and I shouldn’t be a burden on you.”

He heart hurt at the fact that he called himself a monster. He was the furthest thing from a monster to her. A monster wouldn’t have stopped her from being attacked in and surely wouldn’t of picked her up and carried her away from the scene.

“Hey look at me,” he reached over and rested her hand on his cheek and turned his face so he was looking into her eyes. “you’re not a monster. You saved my life and you are a good person.”

He shook his head as tears threatened to fall once again, “I’ve done so many bad things, and someone as beautiful as you shouldn’t be tainted by me.”

Her chest tightened and her eyebrows pushed together as she attempted to process his words. “You could never taint me. You’re haunted by your passed, but what you did wasn’t your choice. You told me they wiped you. You didn’t have a choice, okay.” She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. She needed him to realize that his passed demons didn’t define him, especially to her. She would never see him as a monster.

Pulling away from her he stared into her eyes, “I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

She shook her head, “you could never be a burden to me. I want to help you, I’m not going anywhere.”

I wanted to tell her she should leave that he would be okay, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell her to go.

“I also don’t want you sleeping alone on that couch anymore,” she felt nervous requesting that they share a bed.

He slowly nodded his head, “okay. I don’t deserve to have you in my life Lydia.”

“For reason we found each other, and it might sound cheesy, but I feel like I’m meant to be here,” she leaned forwards and rested her hand on his cheek again.

He couldn’t help but wonder if she was right, maybe they were meant to help each other. Maybe she couldn’t help him get rid of his demons that were haunting him.

She leaned forwards and gently pressed her lips once again to her scruff cover cheek for another innocent kiss. His eyes were held closed as he took in the feeling of her lips against his skin. His blue eyes opened to find her staring at him giving him a soft smile.

“I’m here for you,” she whispered.


	4. TILL THE GRAVITY'S TOO MUCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: mentions of drug withdrawals, mentions of assault, angst, anxiety, and sadness (this is an emotional story)

A few days had passed since they started sharing a bed. Her arms were wrapped around Bucky as he was calming down from another nightmare. Her hand rubbed his back as she whispered over and over again that he was okay that she was right there. This nightmare had seemed to shaken him really badly and he straddled Lydia awake when he woke up screaming. She couldn’t get to him fast enough to wrap her arms around him and to let him know that he was okay. This had to grown to be her routine of her calming him down. Nightmares weren’t an every night occasion for him, and he hadn’t woken up throwing up over the last few days. Having Lydia with him made him start to believe that maybe he was finally getting better. Her lips were pressed to his forehead as her lips ghosted against his skin as she continued to whisper to him that he was safe.

His eyes were closed tightly as he took deep breaths attempting to calm down. Salty tears slide down his cheek as he tried to listen to her. She pulled her lips away from his skin and looked down at him silently for a long moment. His blue eyes opened up and locked onto hers.

“Bucky are you okay?”

He nodded his head as he sniffled back tears. He hated this was how was, he felt like he was lost in his own mind.

She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his. There suddenly seemed to be a tension between them. She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes taking in the closeness between them.

The rising sun that was peeking through the newspaper covered windows let her know that they probably wouldn’t be getting anymore sleep. After his nightmares Lydia wasn’t able to sleep herself. She always stayed awake holding onto him making sure he was okay. She was never actually able to relax after he was coming down from his nightmares.

Her eyes opened again and found him staring at her. She had the urge to press her lips to his, but she didn’t know how he could react or if he would even want to kiss her. She seemed to be holding her breath for a long moment as she just stared at him. She wanted to ask him what his nightmares were about, but he never talked about them. She knew that talking about them would probably make them seem even more real to him.

The nights they shared together never consisted of much talking on Bucky’s part, normally he wasn’t much of a talker, but after having a nightmare he was even more quiet. Lydia didn’t do much talking either, she normally just whispered the same calming words over and over to him as she would just hold him.

Without thinking much, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his for a soft wet kiss. Her lips felt electric at the soft touch against his. She pulled away from him to find his wide glossy eyes staring back at hers. Her stomach dropped feeling as if she made a grave mistake by kissing him. She felt like she just crossed a line, Bucky had never done anything to lead her to believe he had feeling for her.

“You are the only thing that has ever made me feel slightly normal,” he whispered as he leaned forward and rested his forehead against her forehead. He closed his eyes and swallowed.

His brain was attempting to process the feeling of her lips against his. He didn’t know he craved the feeling of another human until Lydia.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that,” she whispered with her mere centimeters away from his as her forehead was still resting against his.

He was silent for a moment before he whispered, “I don’t deserve for you to be here with me.”

She pulled back and looked at him and watched as he moved away from her and laid down onto his side away from her. He reached up and rubbed his hands across his tear stained cheeks. He silently laid there staring at her as she messed the with the hem of her sweater.

“Bucky, I wanted to do anything in my power to help you,” she whispered she reached out towards his metal hand that was laying on the bed. Her pale finger reached out and gently traced his metal palm. His blue eyes were locked on her as he carefully watched her.

“What if I can’t be helped?” he asked the question he had been asking himself over and over again since he had pulled the man from the water and went on the run. “I know eventually they’re going to come for me.”

Her eyes started to brim with tears, this whole conversation they were having was starting to make her emotional. She didn’t understand how someone could do to someone what had been done to Bucky.

Her heart hurt at the thought of someone coming to take him. He didn’t deserve the life that was forced onto him. Nobody deserved to feel like the monster they made him feel like he was.

“You don’t know that,” she whispered. She didn’t know what else to say to him, because she didn’t know if he was right. For all she knew the people that wiped him could eventually come looking for him.

“I’m putting you in danger just having you here,” he sat slowly. He crossed his legs and stared into her hazel eyes. He needed to set her free before he put her in anymore danger. He couldn’t be selfish anymore. “It’s not safe you here.”

She sat up and crossed her legs so she was sitting right across from him, she reached out and took his face her hands and shook her head, “I’m not leaving though. I don’t want to be anywhere but here.”

He closed his eyes knowing that longer she stayed here the more in danger she was, “I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Lydia you are too good for this world,” he whispered.

“I’m flawed just like everyone else,” she knew she was far from perfect. She could list many things about herself she didn’t like that were flaws.

“Earlier when you said you were sorry, please don’t ever say you’re sorry to me,” he reached up and rested his hand on hers that was on his cheek. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Her breath seemed to be caught in her throat at his words. She bit her bottom lip as the sides of her mouth slowly turned up. She knew she shouldn’t have feeling for him but her heart didn’t seem to want to listen to her.

“Okay,” she softly said. “How about I make us some breakfast?”

He nodded his head and watched as she slowly got out of bed. She walked off to the kitchen area and started looking around for something to cook. He sat on the edge of the bed as he watched her walked around the kitchen lightly singing something.

“You have a pretty voice,” he said softly as he listened to her.

She paused and looked up at him and smiled, “thank you.”

She went back to looking for something to cook for both of them. Looking around she realized they didn’t have much to eat. Bucky was going to need to go into town and get them so more fruit. She opened the small fridge and saw there wasn’t much.

“Did you maybe want to go into town and get some fruit?” she asked turning back towards him.

He stood up and slowly nodded his head. He walked over towards his duffle bag and started pulling out something to wear.

“Did you want me to go with you?” she asked walking over towards him.

“You don’t have to,” he was still afraid of her getting hurt.

“Okay,” she whispered as he pulled a red Henley over his grey undershirt. She couldn’t help but watch him intently as he got dressed. He pulled on his jacket and put on gloves to cover his metal hand. She walked over and stood by the door waiting for him as he put on his shoes and baseball hat.

She awkwardly bit her bottom lip wondering if it would be okay for her to kiss him goodbye as he went into town.

“Bucky,” she whispered.

“Yeah?” he asked as he stood at the front door by her.

“Don’t be gone to long,” she smiled lightly. She leaned up a little and softly pressed her lips to the side of his lips. It was a sweet kiss and his lips couldn’t help but turn up into a smile.

“I’ll be back soon,” he said softly before walking out the door.

As Bucky left to go into town, she walked over to her duffle bag and looked for something to wear.

The door slowly opened, she looked up expecting to see Bucky entering but was caught off guard by Captain America walking in, in his full costume and shield in hand. Her heart jumped as her eyes grew wide. Panic took over her worried something happened to Bucky when he went out to get them food.

Steve’s eyes scanned the room and locked onto a pair scared hazel eyes that were standing by the window near the kitchen.

“Who are you?” he calmly asked slowly walking towards her.

She backed against the window not terrified for some reason. “I’m Lydia Elton,” her voice was shaky.

“Where is Bucky?” he asked stepping closer to her.

She wasn’t sure if she should tell him the truth or not. From what Bucky had told her he believed that Captain America held a piece to his foggy passed.

“Are you going to hurt him?” she whispered as he continued to walk closer to her.

He shook his head, “no but there are people coming here to hurt him. They think he bombed the UN.”

Her heart dropped, she knew there was no way he could of possibly of done anything like that he had been with her at all times. He also wasn’t the type of person who would commit a bombing.

She shook her head, “he didn’t do that, he’s been with me at all times.”

He nodded his head, “I know. Bucky wouldn’t do it, but in order to keep him safe he needs to go with me.”

Her eyes started to brim with tears knowing that she was going to finally have to say goodbye to the man that she had seemed to fall in love with. The man that had saved her life, that she was trying to put back together.

“He has really bad nightmares,” she whispered as tears started sliding down her cheeks. “I don’t know who they are, but they messed with his head pretty bad. He doesn’t know much about his past other than he thinks he knew you,” she swallowed trying to hold herself together. “Are you the man he pulled from the river?” she asked.

He nodded his head slowly.

“I know I’m never going to get to see him again, but I need you to promise me you’ll help him figure out who he is,” she reached up to push away the tears that kept falling. “Make sure he realizes he isn’t a monster like he thinks he,” she whispered.

He nodded his head.

“He’ll be back soon, he went down into town to get some fruit for breakfast,” she slowly started walking passed Steve.

He reached down to grab her hand to stop her from walking away from him. “How do you know him?” he asked needing to know why this random girl seemed to care so much about Bucky.

“He saved my life, I was getting attacked in an ally by two men who were probably going to do terrible things to me and most likely kill me. He saved my life and took me here and took care of me.”

He nodded his head.

“I think he honestly needed to be saved more than I did,” she whispered.

“I’m going to keep him safe.”

“That’s all I’m asking for and if you could tell him that if he ever needs me, he can find me,” stepped away from him and walked over and grabbed her duffle bag that Bucky had brought her from her place. She grabbed a pair of flats that were on the floor near her stuff and quickly put them on. She picked up her purse that was next to it. Turning back, she looked at Steve and gave him a small smile.

“I think I love him, if he ever gets to the point you think he can handle that information please tell him that,” the tears slid down her cheeks as she walked towards the door.

“Do me a favor and please leave town for a little while. I don’t want anyone to know you were with him.” Steve realized he had to keep this girl safe. If she thought she loved Bucky he knew he must have strong feeling for her. “Go to Amsterdam and stay there until I give you a signal.”

Her eyebrows pushed together, “how will I know when I get the signal?”

“Believe me you’ll know.”

She nodded her head and walked out the door, knowing that she might not ever see Bucky again.

Another AN: I know the timeline got messed up quite a bit, but it needed to for this story to work out the way I wanted it to.


	5. OH, HOLDING MY BREATH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: angst, tears, sadness, oh and yeah smut happens… finally.

Lydia listened to what Steve has told her to do. She got down to Amsterdam and checked into a hotel with nothing but her duffle bag and purse. She watched as the feud between Iron Man and Captain America played out in front of the world.

After the constant coverage it got to the point, she couldn’t watch it anymore.

She couldn’t believe all of this seemed to be happening over Bucky. Who was being framed for something he didn’t even do.

She went into to town to find a bookstore so she could find a something to reader to keep herself distracted. She avoided seeing newspapers or watching TV. She didn’t want to read the horrible things that everyone was saying about Bucky Barnes. She saw over and over again he was being referred to as the assassin the Winter Soldier. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that some people considered him to be a killer. The man who rescued her who seemed more afraid of himself didn’t seem like the man who would kill people. She knew he had a dark past but she knew he didn’t have any control over who he was or what he did. He wasn’t the monster they were making him out to be.

It had been two weeks since she last saw Bucky, and she missed him. She missed constantly having him around even if they didn’t talk much. She just felt safe being around him and she like his presence. On the fifteenth day they had been apart she opened the door to her hotel and found a flip phone with a text on it. It simply read “meet me at the café rose at 8:30am”. She didn’t have a doubt in her mind that it was Steve finally coming to let her know she could leave. That night she nervously sat around. She was worried Steve was going to tell her something bad happened to Bucky. That night she didn’t get much sleep, she tossed and turned and a dream about being with Bucky again.

She got dressed and headed into town in the early morning. At eight thirty she walked up to Café Rose to find Steve Rogers sitting outside with a baseball had on and sunglasses. Slowly she walked over and sat down across from him. She could tell something was wrong, he just looked sad.

“Morning,” he softly said.

“Morning,” she replied not exactly what else she should say. She hadn’t ever talked to Steve outside of the time Steve found her in Bucky’s apartment.

“Before you ask, he’s safe and hidden away from everyone,” he looked over at the girl who seemed to be on the verge of tears right in front of him.

She let out a soft sigh and nodded her head knowing that him being hidden away was for the best.

“He’s not hurt at all?” she asked knowing there had been a big fight in an airport in Germany.

Steve sighed and her heart dropped at the thought of him being hurt. “He got pretty beat up and his metal arm gotten taken off.”

She gasped and reached up to cover her mouth. She suddenly wanted to cry at the thought that he lost his arm again. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah he’s fine I took him somewhere where he can get a new arm and he’ll be okay,” Steve sounded so calm and it was making her feel better about the situation.

“Where is he?” she asked.

Steve let out a heavy sigh and looked down at the table that had a coffee sitting in front of him, “Lydia I can’t tell you that unfortunately. I can’t let anyone know where he is. I can only keep him safe if nobody knows where he is.”

She knew he wouldn’t be able to tell her, but there was a part of her that wished he could, “is he still having nightmares?”

He shook his head, “no he won’t anymore. Where we took him, they’re going to fix him and take away what Hydra put in his mind away.”

Her eyes grew wide and started to brim with tears, “please tell me you’re not gonna wipe him.” She felt bile crawl up her throat at just the thought of someone wiping Bucky again, when he was just getting some of his memories back.

Steve’s own blue eye grew wide as he reached across the table and placed his hand on top of hers, “oh god no, I will never let that happen to him again.” He paused for a moment. “Were trying to get him back to being normal Bucky. I don’t want them to ever be able to trigger him again.”

She nodded her head trusting Steve. From what she had read in the last two weeks, Steve and Bucky were childhood best friends. She knew that he cared for Bucky as much as her.

“What happens from here?” she asked knowing that Bucky was never going to be in her life again. It was finally time for her to go home to the states for a while. She just needed to hear what Steve thought she should do.

“I’m going to go into hiding and you should probably leave Europe for a little while. If anyone ask about your time in Romania don’t let anyone know you knew who he was.”

“Okay will do.”

-&-

She had been home back in the states for about two months. She moved back into her parent’s house. When she first came home, they asked her loads of questions of about her time in Romania. She didn’t tell them much other than she worked in a café. She worked on restarting her life back in the states. She had just started working at a coffee shop in her town. Her life was simple and she knew that, but since coming home she felt like something was missing. She knew it probably had to do with the fact she never actually got to say goodbye to Bucky. The last time she saw him was the morning in the safe house after they shared a kiss. She had fallen in love with the man that saved her life, and now here she was having to live her life acting as if she had never met him.

She often heard people talking in the coffee shop about Steve Rogers and Tony Stark. Every time she heard Steve’s name, she would help but listen in at the thought that maybe they might mention Bucky. After everything had originally happened Bucky’s picture was plastered across magazines most of them referred to him as the Winter Soldier one of the deadliest assassins to live. It always made her sick to her stomach reading about him, because she knew the Winter Soldier wasn’t truly Bucky. That was who the people who wiped him turned him into. She hated that people didn’t know the Bucky she knew, and they never really would.

Three years later

Sitting in the kitchen at her parent’s house she was listening to her parents talking about her birthday that was tomorrow. She hadn’t even actually thought about her birthday her mind had seemed to be in other places recently.

“What are your birthday plans Lydia?” her mother asked grabbing her attention.

“What?” she looked up from her coffee that was sitting on kitchen table in front of her.

Her mother gave her an unamused look as she knit her eyebrows together, “Lydia have you even been listening to me or your father?”

“Sorry I zoned out,” she picked up the large cup of coffee and brought it up to her lips. Her eye looked at her mother who gently shook her head at her daughter.

“Did you want to have dinner tonight with us?” she asked her daughter.

Nodding her head, she gave her mother a half smile, “yeah I’m going out tonight with some friends and people from work tonight. So, tomorrow is perfect.”

-&-

Walking into the crowed bar with some friends and coworkers, she couldn’t help but wonder if she made a mistake by going out. She wasn’t ever a person who enjoyed going to crowed bars, and she wasn’t sure why she thought going to one with all her friends to celebrate her birthday would be a good idea.

Standing at the bar next to her friend Allie she was listening to her go on and on about her cousin who she thought would be a great match for Lydia. Allie had been a friend of hers since high school, and she was on a mission to find Lydia a man, even though she had told her often she wasn’t interested in dating. Allie like everyone else had no clue about Lydia’s time with Bucky. She just assumed that Lydia didn’t want to take because of her terrible break up before she left to move to Romania.

“Lydia you and Kyle would get along amazing, why do you at least go on one date with him?” Allie asked before taking a sip of her cranberry and vodka.

“Allie I’m not interested in dating,” she sighed looking down at her drink that was sitting on the bar.

“Come on Lydia one date wouldn’t kill you,” Allie wasn’t ready to give up on getting her friend to go out on a date.

“Allie maybe another time,” she picked up her drink and walked over to the table where the rest the group was sitting.

Allie followed behind her friend, and shouted to the group, “someone buy the birthday a shot we need to get her drunk.”

Lydia did nothing but roll her eyes as she sat down at the table. Moments later some of the group were waving down a waitress to order her a couple shots. She groaned as two shots of tequila were sitting in front of her. Taking both shots, she shook her head as the gold colored liquid slid down her throat.

Soon she was being dragged on to the dance for in the corner of the bar and was dancing with some friends. The gold liquid left her feeling slightly tipsy, few people offered to buy her drinks, but she turned them down not wanting to get drunk. As the clock struck midnight, she said her goodbyes to her friends telling them she couldn’t stay out super late because she had family stuff to do the next morning.

Walking outside she hailed a cab. Luckily the bar she was out wasn’t too far from her apartment. The warm feeling of the alcohol flushed through her system as she walked up to the elevator in the lobby of her apartment building. Clicking the button, the doors to the elevator opened and walked inside alone. Leaning against the wall of the elevator she couldn’t help but wonder if she should have maybe stayed at the bar for another hour, but for some reason she wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate her birthday. As the elevator doors opened as stepped out into the hallway. She saw a man in a hoodie standing in front of her door and she suddenly got nervous, she was tempted to go back to the bar instead of walking up to the man. Before she could even decide what to do a familiar face turned and looked at her.

Her heart jumped at the sight of Bucky standing at her door. Her eyes went wide as her eyes locked onto his icy blue ones. Without even thinking she took off running down the hall towards him. The second she got to him she wrapped her arms around him holding his body close to hers.  
“Bucky,” she muttered as tears started to slide down her face.

“Lydia,” his metal hand rubbed her back holding on to her.

As she held onto him tightly afraid if she let go of him, he would disappear again. Her body shook gently as she held on to him.

Pulling away from him slowly she looked up at him with watery eyes. She was still in a state of disbelief that Bucky was standing in the hallway in front of her apartment. She reached up placed her hand on his scruff covered cheek. A soft smile formed on his lips as his blue eyes stayed lock onto her eyes.

They hadn’t said a single word to each other, other then their names. She still seemed to be in a state of disbelief that she was with Bucky again, and he was shocked that she wasn’t mad at him for leaving her.

Leaning down he rested his forehead against her taking in her presence.

She wasn’t even sure what she should say to him right then. She had no clue where he had been for the last three years, and even though she thought about him often. She was constantly trying to remind herself that most likely she was never going to get to reunite with the man standing in front of her.

“I’m sorry I left you and never said goodbye,” he whispered breaking the silence that was between them.

She closed her eyes pushing back the tears that had formed between them. Reaching up he rested his hand on her cheek, and his thumb reached up an brushed the tears off her cheek.

“You didn’t have choice,” she said softly.

“Can we maybe go inside and talk?” he asked pulling away from her.

Nodding her head, she reached into her purse to pull out her keys. Bucky took another step away so she could the door. Walking side she set her purse on the floor and walked over to the couch in the living room. Bucky followed behind her and sat down on the couch next to her.

They stared at each other for a long moment neither of them exactly sure what they should say to each other. She reached over and rested her hand on thigh, and gave him a soft smile.

“I’m assuming you have a lot of questions,” he said softly knowing that three years had passed since they had seen each other and she had to have some questions.

“How did you find me?”

“Steve tracked you down for me,” he reached over and rested his hand on top of hers and gently squeezed her hand.

At the mention of Steve’s name, she couldn’t help but wonder if Steve had told Bucky that she thought she loved him all those years ago. She couldn’t lie that even with three years passing she was pretty sure she loved the man that was sitting next to her.

“Did he tell you that he met up with me after Germany?”

He nodded his head, “I asked him to make sure you were safe. I had him check on you occasionally.”

She nodded her head not exactly sure what else she should ask him, she was still completely blown away by the fact that she was seeing him again. “Are you still having nightmares?”

He shook his head, “no, they were finally able to take away what Hydra put in me.”

He gave her a gentle half smile that suddenly gave her butterflies.

“This might embarrass me, but did Steve possibly tell you how I felt about you?” her heart raced at the thought of Bucky rejecting her feeling she felt for him three years ago, especially since she still had those feelings.

Slowly he nodded his head, “he told me about them a little while ago. He also made sure to bring you up often. He knew you were one of the only real things in my life in the last seventy years.”

Tears started to slide down her cheek slowly, “when he found me that day, I honestly thought I was never going to see you again. We had shared that kiss that morning and I thought things were getting better for you…” she paused for a moment reliving that morning. “I should over never ask for you to go out and get fruit. We might have had more time together,” she couldn’t help but cry feeling suddenly guilty.

“Hey,” he reached up placing his hand on her cheek so she was looking up at him. “We were living on borrowed time. If I didn’t go out that morning, I was eventually going to go out again, they were going to find me at some point. I’m just glad that Steve found you and not someone else.”

She nodded her head and asked him the one thing she needed to know in that moment, “are we on borrowed time right now?”

He shook his head, “no I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to.”

“Okay good because I’m not ready to lose you again.”

“Lydia, just so you know, I felt the same way you did back then.”

She couldn’t help but smile. Reaching up she placed her hand on his wrist that was resting on her cheek, “do you still have those feelings?”

She needed to know, even if he didn’t it wouldn’t change how she felt then or now.

He nodded his head, “you’re still the realest thing that has ever been in my life.”

“That makes me feel better knowing that I’m the only one with those feelings,” she said softly causing him to smile.

“Are you single?” he asked completely out of nowhere.

Her brows furrowed together as she gave him a confused look, “yes, why?”

“Because I would like to kiss you again, but I want to make sure you’re not taken.”

Her eyes lit up at the thought of them sharing another kiss. “I would love for you to kiss me.”

Without another word he leaned forward and connected his lips to hers for a gentle kiss. His lips moved against hers slowly as if he was testing the waters. Pulling away from her he couldn’t help but smile, he had waited a long time before he was able to see her again, and here he was being able to kiss her again.

“I have missed you so much,” she whispered.

“I missed you too, I know I have been gone for a while, but they fixed me.”

Even though they had taken out what Hydra put in him, Bucky was still left with what he had done under his control. He felt a substantial amount of guilt for the people he had hurt because of Hydra.

“Why does it sound like you don’t feel like you’re fully fix?” she asked knowing that by his tone he still sounded guilty.

“I will never be able to forget what I did because of them. Even being wiped I’m still left with the memories are coming back,” he sighed.

“Hey, we’ve been over this, you weren’t in control you aren’t a monster. You didn’t do those things,” she sighed shaking her head.

“I know, that’s what Steve reminds me of all the time.”

“Bucky what happens now?” she asked needing to know if eventually he was going to leave again.

“I don’t exactly have a plan, I asked Steve to track you down. I told him I needed to see you, I wasn’t sure if you had a boyfriend or something, but needed to see you again.”

She smiled, “I’m glad you tracked me down, because in the last three year I have thought about you often.”

He reached up and pushed a piece of hair behind her ear and asked, “where were you tonight?”

She let out a heavy sigh, “I went to the bar with some friends to celebrate my birthday.”

His eyes went wide at the mention of her birthday, “it’s your birthday?”

She smirked at how caught off guard he sounded, “well technically since it’s after midnight yes it’s my birthday.”

“I wish Steve would have told me that I would of brought you a gift,” he sighed feeling suddenly stupid that he didn’t know this information.

“I don’t really need a gift. See you again is enough,” she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his again for a soft kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him close to her, she didn’t think she would get over the fact that she was able to kiss him again. Pulling away from him she looked over at the clock to see that it was one in the morning. “Did you maybe want to stay the night? It’s late and I’m exhausted, but I’m not ready for you to leave again.”

He nodded his head, he couldn’t lie he thought about the nights he shared wrapped up in her arm held close against her curvy body.

“I would really like to stay the night.”

Standing up she reached over and laced her fingers with Bucky metal fingers and led him down the hallway towards her bedroom. She dropped his hand and walked towards her dresser to grab her pajamas.

“You can sleep how ever you want. If you want to sleep in your boxers,” she as she walked towards the bathroom so she could take off her makeup and get ready for bed.

She removed her make up and washed her face and changed into her pajamas. Walking back into her bedroom she found Bucky sitting on the edge of the bed in nothing but his boxers. Walking over to him she moved to stand in front of him, he looked up and smiled at her. He never in his wildest dreams thought he would see her again, let alone get to share a bed with her again. Reaching up he gently took her hand and pulled her closer to him. Standing up he moved to press her lips to his for another kiss.

“How are you even real?” he asked wondering how he found her.

“I’m pretty average at most,” she whispered as his hands moved to her round hips.

He shook his, “you are far from average Lydia. You are perfect.”

Before she could even say anything sat back down on the bed and pulled her onto his lap so she was straddling him as he sat on the edge of the bed. Reaching up he held her face in both hands staring at her.

“I don’t know what happens tomorrow, for all I know you could kick me out and tell me to leave…” he paused for a moment to stare into her eyes. “But I would love to share one real night with you.”

“Bucky I would never kick you out and tell you to leave,” she leaned down and connected her lips to his for an intense kiss. Their lips moved together as if they need the other to breathe. Her fingers tangled in his long hair hold him close to her as his hand gripped her round hips grinding her against him. There tongued moved together as she rolled her hips gently against him. His lips moved from her mouth and started kissing down her jaw. As his beard tickled her skin, she couldn’t help but moan at the feeling of his lips against her skin. His metal hand pushed her shirt up exposing the metal of his touch to her bare skin. The cool metal sent a shiver down her spine in the best way possible. Tilting her head back she gave him more access to her exposed skin.

Pulling his lips away from her skin he reached down for the bottom of her shirt. Pulling it off he couldn’t help but groan at the sight of her bare chest in front of her. He licked his lips before his lips moved to kiss her collarbones, before working his way to her bare chest. His lips kissed her sensitive skin as she grinded her hips against his grown bugled.

“Bucky, I need more,” she moaned.

With his lips ghosting her skin he spoke, “I didn’t come to see you with the intention of this happening.”

“I know you didn’t, but I need all of you,” she sighed as his lips peppered kisses across her skin. “I have missed you so much, and I just need all of you.”

He pulled his lips away from her skin, and in one quick motion stood up holding Lydia’s curvy body as if she weighed nothing. Her eyes went wide as he held onto her. She attempted to have him put her down but before she could say something he said, “you weigh nothing to me, quit freaking out.”

He moved and laid her down on the bed. Reaching up to her curvy hips he hooked his fingers into the band of her pajama shorts and panties, and pulled them both down in one quick motion. Laying on the bed completely naked in front of him she sat back on her elbows and watched as Bucky removed his boxers leaving him naked and proud in front of her.

“Do you have a condom?” he asked sounding slightly nervous.

Nodding her head, she moved to reach into the top drawer of her nightstand and pulled out a foil packet. Holding the foil packet out Bucky took it and tore it open and slowly slid the rubbed down his length. She watched with lust filled eyes as he pumped his length a few times before crawled into the bed. Lying next to her he connected his lips to hers for a searing kiss as his flesh hand moved down to her sensitive mound, his finger slid up and down for slit a few times before his fingers did lazy circle on her bundle of nerves while their lips moved together. He was attempting to give her some foreplay before. Pulling his lips away he continued to move his finger against her bundle of nerves causing to moan her name.

“Lydia what to you want?” he asked lying next to her.

“All of you,” she moaned.

Pulling his fingers away from her, he moved so he was hovering over her. She reached down and helped line him up with her entrance. Slowly he slid in and she gasped at his size, it had a been a really long time since she had sex. She was going to need a moment to adjust to his size. Once he was fulling in, he stilled for a moment giving her time to adjust. Her head rolled back as she took a deep breath and then looked up at Bucky who was staring out with lust blown eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked feeling suddenly worried at the was hurting her.

“Yeah I’m fine, I just need a moment,” she said giving him a soft smile. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers for a soft kiss. “Go head and move,” she said with his lips still brushing hers.

With a slowly roll he started to move his hips against hers. Her hands moved up to grip his back as he continued to move into her. Groaned as his hips thrust into hers picking up the pace slightly. In all the time that had passed since they had last seen each other, he didn’t think he would ever get to be with her. In his mind back then he thought that they might event sleep together, especially after they had kiss, but then again, he wasn’t sure if she ever would want to do this with him.

“Bucky,” she moaned.

“Baby,” he groaned dropping his head to her shoulder. He started placing wet kisses across her bare skin. She moved her hands down to his butt pulling him as close as possible with every thrust. His teeth gently dragged across the skin of her shoulder as he moaned her name. He was getting close to the edge and he needed her to finish before him.

“Are you close?” he asked.

“Yeah Bucky,” she moaned as he picked up the pace.

Biting her bottom lip, she rolled her back moaning. Her fingers dug into his tone butt pulling him closer. With a few more thrust he pushed her over the edge. Her hands moved from his but up to his face pulling him closer to her so she could kiss him as she rode out her high. She moaned into his kiss as he rolled his hips a few times before hitting his own high. With a couple sloppy thrust he rode out his high before stilling his hips as he kissed. Pulling away from her he rolled off her and laid on the bed next to her. Silently he discarded the condom, and reached over to pulled her curvy body close to him.

She was left in a dazed state as she curled up next to him.

“Don’t ever leave me again,” she whispered as she was coming down from her high.

“I won’t ever let anything take me away from you again,” he leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of her head.


End file.
